A New Me in 2017

MY LIFE WAS A KOREAN DRAMA (of sorts) in 2016...

So, I seem to have abandoned my blog for a while (again) - bad habit of not finishing or continuing what I started.

After handling and executing a successful event for the Malaysian radio industry, something very unexpected hit me right in my tracks. My partner of almost 7 years did the unthinkable - he cheated and lied to me by getting married behind my back. I only found out on the 3rd day of his married life and I was suddenly his mistress.
People who knew us and have seen our photos thought this was an elaborate prank I pulled out of my ass. But, it was the truth. And I never ever saw it coming.
We were even planning our own wedding throughout the year.
What a shocker.

All of a sudden in October, my world came crashing down.
I thought I was strong enough to recover from it after a week.
My Tokyo trip was coming up and the last thing I wanted to feel was sadness before I embarked on the first ever trip with my younger Brother. So I did what any older Sister would. Suck it up, smile and 'move on'.
I developed anxiety and became really edgy.

After Tokyo, I thought again that I would feel great being single and free.
My Bali trip was coming up in a week's time, so of course I felt excited. But...
The wound was still pretty much raw.
If I was a piece of meat, you would see maggots and flies hovering and attacking my open heart.

In Bali, I met tonnes of new people and I'm usually quite reserved about how I would react and feel when they said things which would suddenly strike a sad and painful chord with my already broken heart.
I cried freely in Bali, anytime I needed to, anywhere I was and no matter who I was with - new friends mostly. My heart needed to release toxins.

Am tearing now for some reason - probably because I am taken back to how broken I felt when I was on the sacred lands of Bali. It is a spiritual land filled with gods, deities, spirits and calm.

After I came back (Nov), I couldn't find a thing to focus on. And that's when the endless waves of panic attacks, anxiety and nervous attacks engulfed me every single day. Friends would be my ears and shoulders to cry on, but I still felt lonely and empty. Somewhat lost.

Then about 2 weeks later, I went overseas again for a training event. Met some cool peeps and I suddenly found myself succumbing to needing alcohol - a lot of it. It made me happy, high and laugh.

Like I said... I felt like I was in a Korean drama (why Korean? I just like watching them, lol).

When it happened to me, I finally understood why people would spend hundreds of dollars on alcohol. It felt like my mind escaped into another world under its influence. It was a happy place where I could be someone that I wasn't - braver, more cool, spontaneous, flirty, etc.
I suddenly became more boisterous too.
Did I like that part of me? I wasn't sure to be honest.
All I know is that, I could sleep (somewhat) better.

By now, I've not had a good night's sleep in 2 months.
And it was definitely taking a toll on me.
Emotionally, mentally, physically.
I felt tired, even more unattractive, lowered self esteem, no confidence, no joy.

Came back from the trip and frequently met up with the same group of party peeps to drink some more.
Now, in my previous relationship, I could count the number of drinks we had throughout the years with my fingers.
If you were an observer looking at my drinking habits for two weeks, you would think I was in a marathon to make up for the lack of drinking the past 7 years.

Chinese people would call me a fish - cos I just kept swallowing 'water'.

There were times I felt victorious drinking so much.
At other times, I felt stupid and would beat myself up for it because I was abusing my body and my soul. When the guilt seeped in, I became even worse.

The universe has a funny way of teaching us lessons...
God purposely put specific people in my path to teach me about myself and to test whether or not I would lose myself or stick to my life principles.

---
Now, 4 months down the road, I'm beginning to build myself slowly, day by day.
OF COURSE there are days where I felt hollow and empty, cos I allowed my ex to validate and define me.
I am now in search of my identity again.
It is nerve wrecking, exciting, scary, and also leaves me feeling clueless. I've been given the opportunity to encounter some guys throughout the months and they have taught me such valuable lessons - I intend to keep them. They've actually put things into perspective for me and I am very grateful for their time and company.

True Friends and mentors have also told me that I have some precious qualities that I shouldn't throw away just because of one ass hole. And I agree, why should I become someone completely different just because I was mistreated.

A new year, A new Me.
:)

Guilt & Fear

I thought I wouldn't have an entry today cos nothing out of the ordinary happened... Until NOW!

Went to take a shower and saw this lizard scurrying across the door. ACK!!!
If there are 2 things I despise most, they are lizards being 500m anywhere me near and FLYING ROACHES.

So, after this sticky fella left the bathroom, I used all my strength to slam the door shut, just to make sure it wouldn't come back. And he never will.

After my cool shower, I opened the door and the little fella got peeled off the frame of the door.
It lied there emotionless, with guts spewing out of its mouth. OH GOD!!! T_T

OH, the ANGUISH and GUILT for not being more careful - Yes, I know it's crazy to feel that way, but I can't help it.
I never knew I would feel so bad for actually killing a lizard, especially when I always said that I wish they were gone from my home. And now that I've seen one literally breathing its few last breaths, I wish I could turn back time.

Turning Back Time
Don't we all just sometimes wish we were like the people in the movies, where we are the keeper of time and have the opportunity to revisit a particular time or situation to fix or experience alternative outcomes depending on the kinds of decisions we made.

The truth is, how our time is spent on this Earth is entirely dependant on how we wish to use it.

A lot of us aren't where we would like to be in life (rich, achieving goals, etc.) simply because we let FEAR overwhelm us.

We allow the people closest to us to instill that seed of DOUBT in our minds as they say things like,

• "You don't know what you're getting yourself into. Why didn't you ask me first?", 
• "It'll never work, I've seen how these things survive a short lifespan before", 
• "You're not suited for this kinda thing, don't waste your time",
• "It's a scam, get out of it while you can". 
• "Why are you doing this? If you need money, just tell us".

Sadly, most of these came from my own parents.

Sure, they where just doing their job of trying to protect me from everything out there that could deceive and harm me because I'll always be their little girl.

But the one thing disappointed me was that they had no faith in me.

They just couldn't believe that I made a decision that was out of the norm, it was risky and above all, it was a NEW CONCEPT. They opposed, but I stayed on.

So glad I did. My life has never been the same. Am also truly excited about my future!

These days, I still procrastinate out of fear (which is entirely illogical) but I'm more conscious of the fact now and I always try to snap out of it as quickly as I can. There's never a minute to waste especially when it concerns your life!

Fear is an option. Danger is real.

Which would you choose:

A) Be on your deathbed smiling because you've done all you can and achieved everything you've ever wanted to with the time given by God?

OR

b) Be a "If only..." patient who is swept under a sea of regrets because you didn't dare take that risk to move forward, to be different; to conquer your own created fears.

We don't only live once.
We LIVE EVERY SINGLE DAY. Make it count.

Connections

I've always been a firm believer of maintaining connections, because no matter how brief or how long we know a person, they have already imprinted onto our minds (sounding a bit like Jacob from Twilight now, haha!). Unfortunately, most people I've come to know aren't as diligent as I am in this area, so I tend to have very few friends and many acquaintances instead.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

My morning didn't start off too well.
At 3am, my throat was so itchy that I felt like attaching a steel brush to the end of a stick and pushing it down just to get to the itch. Then came a sneezing fit for 30 minutes.
THANK GOD FOR COCONUT OIL! Put me back to sleep in an instant till the sun rose.

So, I wake up for work, feeling all tired and zombiefied. Was quite impressed that I could condition myself to look and feel like any human being who has had at least 10 hours of rest.
And all the while just smiling to put on makeup. It helps, really!

The dreaded office mails just kills that positivity most of the time and after just 2 hours, I felt drained.
THANK GOD FOR LUNCH! Had a mini mentoring session with a young Padawan. She is adorable.

And THEN, a message sent from FB came through on my phone.

RECONNECT
Last week, I received a Facebook Friend request from a lady who looked like she was in her 40s.
Her FB name wasn't a familiar one, so I clicked to see if we had any mutual friends. None.
Clicked on her profile pic and it was a selfie of her with an opened piano.
Strange, I thought. Maybe she was some random person who wanted to befriend people on FB.
For some reason, her face told me that she was a nice person who was a caring individual too.
Not too bothered, I neither Accepted nor Rejected her Friend Request.

I seem to do that a lot these days - just leaving the Friend Requests be -  maybe with the intention of making new connections later on.

Boy, was I glad I kept her on the Friend Request List!

The message read,
Haha, you still have the same smile :)
From your piano teacher, Ms. Koh.

I was a bit stunned. Like a ghost from the past had just appeared on my phone. So unexpected. Odd. Bewildered. Shocking!

--
You see, when I was 7 years of age, my parents took me out for a walk and we happened to pass a Technics Music School.
I don't remember what happened but something drew me to the glass, and I was glued to it, literally.
As my little hands pressed against the clear glass, I caught myself staring at a girl my size sitting atop a high chair and her little fingers danced along the polished white and black piano keys. Beside her was a young lady with long wavy hair who had such an encouraging and approving smile as the little girl played a piece of music.

Little did I know, my parents had walked on (and around the block, mind you!) and according to Mum (they obviously forgot me), they found me glued to the glass even after they had returned.
Mum found it amusing that I was so focused on the sight that she opened the door and asked me to go in. I was a bit shocked and held her hand as she led me in.

My eyes were quite fixated on the teacher, whose name I found out, was Ms. Koh and she was such a pretty angel :) Mum had just signed me up for piano lessons and I was very firm with who I wanted as my teacher at 7 years old - I remembered telling my mum that I only wanted her (pointing at Ms. Koh) to be my teacher. When Mum said, "Yes, she is your teacher", I was ecstatic!

My first lesson was about getting to know the piano and learning the name of the keys.
I remember vividly the number of sticker sheets Ms. Koh had at every lesson.
She let me choose the kind of stickers I wanted for conquering each page of the book too!
Loved her to bits.

After a year or so, the Music School closed down but I continued my lessons at Ms. Koh's house which was just down the road from mine. FATE, I tell you. I loved learning the piano under her wing. She was the most Patient and Creative human being I had ever met and I really enjoyed my lessons. Looked forward to every one of them, even if I didn't know how to do my theory papers.
But, as they say, all good things must come to an end.
After 4 years of the most memorable piano lessons, Ms. Koh announced that she was not going to teach after she gave birth to her baby. I was the most devastated 10 year-old that day, I swear.

Even typing this now, I feel tears welling up for the emotions that revealed itself when she told Mum the news are still very much etched into my memory bank. So much anguish and hurt. Felt like I was a child being abandoned by my mum.

In any case, the Teachers that came along after Ms. Koh were either:
1) Trying too hard to entertain me with their funny antics (and giving me an English name for some reason),
2) Kept getting pregnant,
3) Too strict till I hated piano (she was just demotivating and useless), and
4) Too relaxed till I became complacent.

There will never be another Ms. Koh.

---
I replied Ms. Koh's message, bewildered, and asked how did she find me on FB?
She mentioned that she was looking for a Friend and somehow my name popped up and she recognised my face - which I find pretty incredible cos the last time we met was 20 years ago!!!
INSANE!
We talked and I found out that she's still pretty much into music and is doing it professionally now. SO AMAZING!

Can't wait to catch up with her when she gets back from her trip!!

Not All Habits Are Bad

I'm no professional author or writer, but I like expressing my thoughts and since my college days, I've become the type of person who loves going through my journals and diaries that have been hidden (or properly kept for some reason - many a time it would involve a boy, I think) and re-live the memories, both good and bad.

The action of re-reading those entries makes me feel 3 things:

Growth 
It's encouraging to know that the person who was once so fragile, emotionally unstable, and perhaps was (and still is) a little lost in the world, has come so far, got out of her little protection bubble and has developed so much as a person - many thanks to good friends and people who have become my mentors along the way.
I REALLY couldn't have become the person I am today (some say I'm like a mentor - insane!) on my own.


Gratitude
Being in my 30s, my perspectives on life have changed drastically (also because of personal development courses, of course) and I am suddenly overwhelmed with the sudden urge to be grateful for everything and every one that I have in this lifetime.

It all started when I was in the office a couple months back, and a Friend was so pissing mad because of a colleague that she has to work with on a project. She bawled her eyes out and seemed to have given up all hope to try to reconcile any differences between them in order to move forward.
It was in that instance that I found myself uttering, "I'm thankful I'm not in her position".
Of course I did my part to calm her down and helped her get all her anger out, but deep inside I felt selfish and yet grateful. Make sense?

From that day onward, I became more and more conscious about the situations I get put in, for example, being appointed the role of an Organizing Chairman for only one of the biggest events in the radio industry - when I know nothing about events.
My initial reaction was, "Why me?".
And then in a split second, I actually said, "Great! I'll add this to my portfolio".
So bizarre and yet so true.


Realisation
I still:

• Procrastinate
• Have COUNTLESS "What if...?" moments 
• Eat like there's no tomorrow (and complain about the circumference of my waistline afterwards)
• Practise some bad habits especially in my relationship with my partner
• Fight with my Brother even though he's in his 20s!

BUT...
With all that said, I now have a better understanding as to WHY I allow myself to be put in those situations.
And sometimes, I let myself be.
Seriously, any person who tells me that it's possible to be happy and motivated all the time, I want to know what you're taking on a daily basis.
It is perfectly fine to hit rock bottom sometimes. We just need to determine how long we will allow ourselves to be scraping the grime off the floor before snapping out of it, cos LIFE GOES ON and of course, TIME WAITS FOR NO MAN (Or WOMAN).


So...
The main reason for that ridiculously lengthy intro is to tell you that I'm going to start blogging again!
The last time I carefully composed my thoughts in front of a desktop was back in 2009, can you believe it? It was such a calming activity and yet I allowed LIFE and WORK to take over.
I've been sharing a lot about the things I read (especially life lessons) and the encounters in my life on Facebook the past year, but I was spurred to start again by a friend's comment about how descriptive my posts were.
I took that as a compliment and here I am again. On Blogger. Cos it's EASY :D

Great week to all!