A New Me in 2017

MY LIFE WAS A KOREAN DRAMA (of sorts) in 2016...

So, I seem to have abandoned my blog for a while (again) - bad habit of not finishing or continuing what I started.

After handling and executing a successful event for the Malaysian radio industry, something very unexpected hit me right in my tracks. My partner of almost 7 years did the unthinkable - he cheated and lied to me by getting married behind my back. I only found out on the 3rd day of his married life and I was suddenly his mistress.
People who knew us and have seen our photos thought this was an elaborate prank I pulled out of my ass. But, it was the truth. And I never ever saw it coming.
We were even planning our own wedding throughout the year.
What a shocker.

All of a sudden in October, my world came crashing down.
I thought I was strong enough to recover from it after a week.
My Tokyo trip was coming up and the last thing I wanted to feel was sadness before I embarked on the first ever trip with my younger Brother. So I did what any older Sister would. Suck it up, smile and 'move on'.
I developed anxiety and became really edgy.

After Tokyo, I thought again that I would feel great being single and free.
My Bali trip was coming up in a week's time, so of course I felt excited. But...
The wound was still pretty much raw.
If I was a piece of meat, you would see maggots and flies hovering and attacking my open heart.

In Bali, I met tonnes of new people and I'm usually quite reserved about how I would react and feel when they said things which would suddenly strike a sad and painful chord with my already broken heart.
I cried freely in Bali, anytime I needed to, anywhere I was and no matter who I was with - new friends mostly. My heart needed to release toxins.

Am tearing now for some reason - probably because I am taken back to how broken I felt when I was on the sacred lands of Bali. It is a spiritual land filled with gods, deities, spirits and calm.

After I came back (Nov), I couldn't find a thing to focus on. And that's when the endless waves of panic attacks, anxiety and nervous attacks engulfed me every single day. Friends would be my ears and shoulders to cry on, but I still felt lonely and empty. Somewhat lost.

Then about 2 weeks later, I went overseas again for a training event. Met some cool peeps and I suddenly found myself succumbing to needing alcohol - a lot of it. It made me happy, high and laugh.

Like I said... I felt like I was in a Korean drama (why Korean? I just like watching them, lol).

When it happened to me, I finally understood why people would spend hundreds of dollars on alcohol. It felt like my mind escaped into another world under its influence. It was a happy place where I could be someone that I wasn't - braver, more cool, spontaneous, flirty, etc.
I suddenly became more boisterous too.
Did I like that part of me? I wasn't sure to be honest.
All I know is that, I could sleep (somewhat) better.

By now, I've not had a good night's sleep in 2 months.
And it was definitely taking a toll on me.
Emotionally, mentally, physically.
I felt tired, even more unattractive, lowered self esteem, no confidence, no joy.

Came back from the trip and frequently met up with the same group of party peeps to drink some more.
Now, in my previous relationship, I could count the number of drinks we had throughout the years with my fingers.
If you were an observer looking at my drinking habits for two weeks, you would think I was in a marathon to make up for the lack of drinking the past 7 years.

Chinese people would call me a fish - cos I just kept swallowing 'water'.

There were times I felt victorious drinking so much.
At other times, I felt stupid and would beat myself up for it because I was abusing my body and my soul. When the guilt seeped in, I became even worse.

The universe has a funny way of teaching us lessons...
God purposely put specific people in my path to teach me about myself and to test whether or not I would lose myself or stick to my life principles.

---
Now, 4 months down the road, I'm beginning to build myself slowly, day by day.
OF COURSE there are days where I felt hollow and empty, cos I allowed my ex to validate and define me.
I am now in search of my identity again.
It is nerve wrecking, exciting, scary, and also leaves me feeling clueless. I've been given the opportunity to encounter some guys throughout the months and they have taught me such valuable lessons - I intend to keep them. They've actually put things into perspective for me and I am very grateful for their time and company.

True Friends and mentors have also told me that I have some precious qualities that I shouldn't throw away just because of one ass hole. And I agree, why should I become someone completely different just because I was mistreated.

A new year, A new Me.
:)

Not All Habits Are Bad

I'm no professional author or writer, but I like expressing my thoughts and since my college days, I've become the type of person who loves going through my journals and diaries that have been hidden (or properly kept for some reason - many a time it would involve a boy, I think) and re-live the memories, both good and bad.

The action of re-reading those entries makes me feel 3 things:

Growth 
It's encouraging to know that the person who was once so fragile, emotionally unstable, and perhaps was (and still is) a little lost in the world, has come so far, got out of her little protection bubble and has developed so much as a person - many thanks to good friends and people who have become my mentors along the way.
I REALLY couldn't have become the person I am today (some say I'm like a mentor - insane!) on my own.


Gratitude
Being in my 30s, my perspectives on life have changed drastically (also because of personal development courses, of course) and I am suddenly overwhelmed with the sudden urge to be grateful for everything and every one that I have in this lifetime.

It all started when I was in the office a couple months back, and a Friend was so pissing mad because of a colleague that she has to work with on a project. She bawled her eyes out and seemed to have given up all hope to try to reconcile any differences between them in order to move forward.
It was in that instance that I found myself uttering, "I'm thankful I'm not in her position".
Of course I did my part to calm her down and helped her get all her anger out, but deep inside I felt selfish and yet grateful. Make sense?

From that day onward, I became more and more conscious about the situations I get put in, for example, being appointed the role of an Organizing Chairman for only one of the biggest events in the radio industry - when I know nothing about events.
My initial reaction was, "Why me?".
And then in a split second, I actually said, "Great! I'll add this to my portfolio".
So bizarre and yet so true.


Realisation
I still:

• Procrastinate
• Have COUNTLESS "What if...?" moments 
• Eat like there's no tomorrow (and complain about the circumference of my waistline afterwards)
• Practise some bad habits especially in my relationship with my partner
• Fight with my Brother even though he's in his 20s!

BUT...
With all that said, I now have a better understanding as to WHY I allow myself to be put in those situations.
And sometimes, I let myself be.
Seriously, any person who tells me that it's possible to be happy and motivated all the time, I want to know what you're taking on a daily basis.
It is perfectly fine to hit rock bottom sometimes. We just need to determine how long we will allow ourselves to be scraping the grime off the floor before snapping out of it, cos LIFE GOES ON and of course, TIME WAITS FOR NO MAN (Or WOMAN).


So...
The main reason for that ridiculously lengthy intro is to tell you that I'm going to start blogging again!
The last time I carefully composed my thoughts in front of a desktop was back in 2009, can you believe it? It was such a calming activity and yet I allowed LIFE and WORK to take over.
I've been sharing a lot about the things I read (especially life lessons) and the encounters in my life on Facebook the past year, but I was spurred to start again by a friend's comment about how descriptive my posts were.
I took that as a compliment and here I am again. On Blogger. Cos it's EASY :D

Great week to all!